I fell asleep through this one so I can't really give a review because I didn't really see it.
Gripes:
All I can remember is it looks like Sin City, it's dumb, horrible horrible scenery chewing Samuel L. Jackson, everything is in slo mo - and sleepy time. This is one of those movies where every single thing they say and every image are really really really important and just so you don't forget they're gonna make it in slow motion. It's terrible and boring.
Get this mutherfuckin Samuel L. Jackson out of mutherfuckin movies.
What Worked:
The only thing that worked was the cut of Eva Medes' shirts.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
Maybe but I slept through it.
Mediocrity Scale:
Trying too hard to be mediocre but failing miserably so, less than mediocre
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Prince Caspian
This movie was definitely better than the Wardrobe one but it still kinda sucked.
Gripes:
The biggest problem I had was the heavy duty emo acting by the teen leads. The guy who plays Peter should be shot in the face. Just quit whining you pussy. And the girl that plays his sister is always on the verge of crying; happy or sad she's always just about to cry and she looks like Octo-mom which = gross. I didn't care about them for one second and hoped they would die. Happily I'm told they don't return to the series and only the younger kids do, which is good because they weren't as annoying.
What Worked:
Okay I never actually thought this would happen but the CGI creatures in the film were pretty much photo real and perfect. The Badger especially looked totally real. I think this film sets a high mark for special effects CGI creatures and should have been nominated Oscar time. Aslan's mane looked totally real even though he's creepy and why didn't he help them when they were all getting killed. You suck Aslan. The effects here, which were a big problem in the last movie, were top notch.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. Watchable.
Mediocrity Scale:
The effects were good, but this movie is looooong and not all that engaging. Mediocre.
Food:
Coke Zero and mystery flavour Doritos. Jason's wife Dianna came up with the name Firey Four Cheese Fiesta which I think is brilliant and describes the chips exactly. I won't be suprised if that's what they end up being called. We had yellow Cakesters as well. Sugary and gross but good.
Gripes:
The biggest problem I had was the heavy duty emo acting by the teen leads. The guy who plays Peter should be shot in the face. Just quit whining you pussy. And the girl that plays his sister is always on the verge of crying; happy or sad she's always just about to cry and she looks like Octo-mom which = gross. I didn't care about them for one second and hoped they would die. Happily I'm told they don't return to the series and only the younger kids do, which is good because they weren't as annoying.
What Worked:
Okay I never actually thought this would happen but the CGI creatures in the film were pretty much photo real and perfect. The Badger especially looked totally real. I think this film sets a high mark for special effects CGI creatures and should have been nominated Oscar time. Aslan's mane looked totally real even though he's creepy and why didn't he help them when they were all getting killed. You suck Aslan. The effects here, which were a big problem in the last movie, were top notch.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. Watchable.
Mediocrity Scale:
The effects were good, but this movie is looooong and not all that engaging. Mediocre.
Food:
Coke Zero and mystery flavour Doritos. Jason's wife Dianna came up with the name Firey Four Cheese Fiesta which I think is brilliant and describes the chips exactly. I won't be suprised if that's what they end up being called. We had yellow Cakesters as well. Sugary and gross but good.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
That's Incredible
I wish that after my long absence posting reviews that I could tell you they made a That's Incredible movie and that Cathy Lee Crosby was the best thing in it, but instead you'll have to settle for a few thoughts on the Incredible Hulk.
Like many of you unfortunate enough to have seen the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk picture, my hopes for thissequel re imagining were not very high. Sure, this time we get Ed Norton and Liv Tyler, but I don't hate Eric Bana and I'll take Jennifer Connelly over Tyler any day of the week.
The question then is, does this Hulk deliver? Kind of. A little bit. Maybe. As I write these reviews I am reminded more and more just how cynical I am with regard to the movies I see these days. Perhaps it is that I'm getting older, but I rarely seem to feel the excitement for films that I did working at Blockbuster in the late '90s when I was in film school. The Incredible Hulk is a prime example of the kind of movie that I feel absolutely ho-hum about now, but wonder if I would have enjoyed more ten years ago.
Or perhaps The Incredible Hulk (and it's ilk) just isn't really that great. Too many meetings with marketing, too many producers wanting to be creative (and by creative I mean pander to the lowest common audience denominator so as to ensure that no one is offended) and ultimately a lackluster effort.
The Hulk has never been my favorite Marvel character, though I do profess a soft-spot for the grey-skinned hulk of the late '80s comics. Somehow the phrase "Hulk Smash!" never really did anything for me and the Hulk on display here both typifies the aspects of the character I find most boring and actually says the phrase.
In terms of the story, the Hulk himself is almost a non-character here, with the real story being about Bruce Banner trying to cure himself of his inner, green demon. If you've seen the Ang Lee version, the story is pretty much the same. Banner is on the run and the military is after him. They find him, he gets angry, smashes a bunch of stuff, repeat. Oh, there's a showdown with another "Hulk creature" (no Hulk dogs though) too. No sign of the She-Hulk though. Too bad.
Apparently there are plans to make a Thor movie, a Captain America movie and then an Avengers movie, with those two, Iron Man, Spiderman and the Hulk rounding out the cast of heroes. Given the Hulk character we've seen in the movies so far, I'm not sure how that's going to work - the Hulk, like my one year olds, doesn't know how to use his words yet.
Ultimately this movie left no real impression on me either way beyond almost total indifference. As a whole I neither liked it nor hated it, but felt both ways as it moved along.
Pain score: 4 of 10.
We had Michelina Snack rolls (both chicken and apple flavors) and Cakesters as snacks. Truly a delight.
Like many of you unfortunate enough to have seen the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk picture, my hopes for this
The question then is, does this Hulk deliver? Kind of. A little bit. Maybe. As I write these reviews I am reminded more and more just how cynical I am with regard to the movies I see these days. Perhaps it is that I'm getting older, but I rarely seem to feel the excitement for films that I did working at Blockbuster in the late '90s when I was in film school. The Incredible Hulk is a prime example of the kind of movie that I feel absolutely ho-hum about now, but wonder if I would have enjoyed more ten years ago.
Or perhaps The Incredible Hulk (and it's ilk) just isn't really that great. Too many meetings with marketing, too many producers wanting to be creative (and by creative I mean pander to the lowest common audience denominator so as to ensure that no one is offended) and ultimately a lackluster effort.
The Hulk has never been my favorite Marvel character, though I do profess a soft-spot for the grey-skinned hulk of the late '80s comics. Somehow the phrase "Hulk Smash!" never really did anything for me and the Hulk on display here both typifies the aspects of the character I find most boring and actually says the phrase.
In terms of the story, the Hulk himself is almost a non-character here, with the real story being about Bruce Banner trying to cure himself of his inner, green demon. If you've seen the Ang Lee version, the story is pretty much the same. Banner is on the run and the military is after him. They find him, he gets angry, smashes a bunch of stuff, repeat. Oh, there's a showdown with another "Hulk creature" (no Hulk dogs though) too. No sign of the She-Hulk though. Too bad.
Apparently there are plans to make a Thor movie, a Captain America movie and then an Avengers movie, with those two, Iron Man, Spiderman and the Hulk rounding out the cast of heroes. Given the Hulk character we've seen in the movies so far, I'm not sure how that's going to work - the Hulk, like my one year olds, doesn't know how to use his words yet.
Ultimately this movie left no real impression on me either way beyond almost total indifference. As a whole I neither liked it nor hated it, but felt both ways as it moved along.
Pain score: 4 of 10.
We had Michelina Snack rolls (both chicken and apple flavors) and Cakesters as snacks. Truly a delight.
The Incredible Hulk
I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't necessarily miss the man but I miss the attitude. In his world there were good guys and there were bad guys and you killed the bad guys mercilessly and you protected the good guys and you didn't ask questions. The new crop of super heroes these days are all so emo. They side with the bad guys and feel bad about hurting them so it was no surprise when during the climactic battle between the Hulk and some other mutant Hulk, the green Hulk makes a sour emo-singer face and decides to spare the mutant Hulks life, even though the mutant hulk has killed a ton of people and has been trying to kill the Hulk for the whole movie. Look I'm not arguing that in real life we must have understanding and compassion for even the worst monsters of society, but that's real life, in the movies I want catharsis and for me that's seeing bad guys get shot in the face. The people agree; Iron Man was a huge hit, is it necessarily a better movie than The Incredible Hulk. They both pretty much follow the same superhero movie formula, they have big action set pieces, lots of CGI explosions, and skinny starlets but one tanked and one succeeded. The difference is attitude. The Hulk hates being the Hulk and spends the whole movie, the whole movie right up to the end brooding and whining about it. Iron Man is Iron man and he loves it so we love it too. And so what he blows up some terrorists that probably were lead into terrorism because the oppressive policies of the western world reduced their countries into impoverished third world states leaving them no choice but to be a terrorist blah blah save it for the UN. I don't want to think about that I want to see the hero smile while he blows their heads off and not cry and whine about it. I want Tyler Durden, instead I got the other guy.
Gripes
Is green hard to render in a computer? Because since the first Hulk movie flopped so long ago the hulk CGI still looks fake. The stuff getting smashed looked good but hulk and abominable hulk looked fake.
Stan Lee, Lou Ferrina, some other guy all made Hulk cameos. Annoying and pulled me out of the movie but I guess if you're a big fan of the comics you'd get a kick out of it.
At the end of the film Robert Downey Jr. makes an appearance as Tony Stark to set up some kind of sequel. It just encourages the comparison between the failure and non failure and is all gross in that "marketing up your ass" sort of way.
Liv Tyler is completely useless in this movie, her role could have been played by a blow up doll because all she does during the film is make the O face. It's not her fault it's the writing.
What's the conflict here? Jack doesn't want to be the Hulk, he's looking for the cure, crazed general and crazy soldier guy are looking for him, they fight a couple of times, Jack gets the cure, crazy soldier turns into crazy hulk, cure is ignored and jack hulks out, he beats up crazy hulk but doesn't kill him, end, nothing is really resolved and I feel cheated because the whole movie is set up for some distant sequel.
What Worked
Edward Norton while maybe not the most obvious choice for an action star is a great actor and compelling to watch. Sadly he's not given much to do here. He broods and broods some more. The scenes of him in Brazil hiding out and interacting with the locals were somehow the most compelling and interesting and made me care about the character. But then everything turned to turd.
Worse Than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. At no point does anyone yell unenthusiastically "now is your time to die"
Mediocrity Scale
Mediocre
Food
We had some kind of excellent snack size pastry filled with apple or buffalo chicken. It was reduced for quick sale at the store but was quite excellent. Oreo Cakesters to fill out the sugar quotient and Coke Zero to wash it all down.
Gripes
Is green hard to render in a computer? Because since the first Hulk movie flopped so long ago the hulk CGI still looks fake. The stuff getting smashed looked good but hulk and abominable hulk looked fake.
Stan Lee, Lou Ferrina, some other guy all made Hulk cameos. Annoying and pulled me out of the movie but I guess if you're a big fan of the comics you'd get a kick out of it.
At the end of the film Robert Downey Jr. makes an appearance as Tony Stark to set up some kind of sequel. It just encourages the comparison between the failure and non failure and is all gross in that "marketing up your ass" sort of way.
Liv Tyler is completely useless in this movie, her role could have been played by a blow up doll because all she does during the film is make the O face. It's not her fault it's the writing.
What's the conflict here? Jack doesn't want to be the Hulk, he's looking for the cure, crazed general and crazy soldier guy are looking for him, they fight a couple of times, Jack gets the cure, crazy soldier turns into crazy hulk, cure is ignored and jack hulks out, he beats up crazy hulk but doesn't kill him, end, nothing is really resolved and I feel cheated because the whole movie is set up for some distant sequel.
What Worked
Edward Norton while maybe not the most obvious choice for an action star is a great actor and compelling to watch. Sadly he's not given much to do here. He broods and broods some more. The scenes of him in Brazil hiding out and interacting with the locals were somehow the most compelling and interesting and made me care about the character. But then everything turned to turd.
Worse Than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. At no point does anyone yell unenthusiastically "now is your time to die"
Mediocrity Scale
Mediocre
Food
We had some kind of excellent snack size pastry filled with apple or buffalo chicken. It was reduced for quick sale at the store but was quite excellent. Oreo Cakesters to fill out the sugar quotient and Coke Zero to wash it all down.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Rush Hour 3
This is easily one of the worst movies we've had the un-pleasure of watching. As you may or may not have noticed in my reviews I compare each movie to Dungeons and Dragons, the worst movie we have ever watched in our little weekly get together. DD was not enjoyable on any level, intentional or unintentional. There are lots of bad movies but often they're so bad that it's actually interesting or enjoyable to watch them, kind of like a car crash or snuff film, but DD was not pleasant in any way, it was just minutes and minutes of failure you aren't interested in seeing. The second worst movie we have ever seen was Stuck on You, horrible but not horrible enough to dethrone DD. Is Rush Hour 3 bad enough to take the top spot?
The original Rush Hour concept was simple; mix 1 part Chris Tucker comedy, with 1 part Jackie Chan high wire action and you've got a killer buddy-action-comedy flick. So what went wrong here?
Gripes:
1st the comedy; it's old, its tired, it ain't there. There are basically three gags in the whole movie and they are recycled ad nauseum. Gag #1 Chris Tucker Yells and Yells and Yells. I don't know what happened to Chris Tucker but the novelty of his yelling has worn off. I believe it wore off somewhere near the end of Rush Hour 1. Gag #2 Chris Tucker Sings Sooooouuuuuul Music and Dances All Kooky. The movie opens with this and it's not funny from the get go. He just looked bored here, like he wanted to leave and had something better to do. He probably did - heck going to take a dump would have been better than this. The guy needs new shtick bad. Note; apparently he got paid 20million for this movie so really he gets the last laugh on us. Gag #3 Jackie Chan talks in Ebonics. Not since Cousin Balky has mangling the english language been used to such ineffective comic effect. Basically this just isn't a funny movie, it's not even funny for not being funny. If you want comedy look elsewhere.
2nd the action: Jackie Chan ain't as spry as he used to be. He's getting old and he can't do all the stunts that he could before. Really he's geriatric at this point and I think the biggest stunt he managed here was jumping and hiding in a big flag. Other wise he just kicks people and jumps over small coffee tables. Not very good. Worse; I guess Tucker got tired of playing the incompetent that messes everything up and he wanted to do some kung fu too. There's even some ridiculous expository dialogue (that Tucker yells at top volume) that explains this. It's stupid and it fucks up the formula; Tucker mucks up in a humourous way, Chan saves him in creative action packed way. Instead they just clumsily hit stuff and chan jumps over a very small table. Whopee. I guess that's the biggest problem here, this movie feels old and tired like it's really been done before, but at the same time it tinkers enough with the tried and true formula to not even give you the pay off seeing something you're used to working. In the end we just tuned out of the movie and let it play out to it's predictable boring conclusion.
What Worked
Say what you will about Brett Ratner he can direct some good action sequences, or maybe that was his second unit. But there are good moments in a car chase scene. That's about it.
So Is it Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. It's not even worse than Stuck on You. Don't get me wrong this is horrible, the worst most uninteresting thing we've seen in weeks. A movie that seeks out your hate gland and tickles it in full force but it has one thing going for it: Money. This movie had a big budget and you can see the dollars on the screen. From the car chases to the predictable scenes of our heroes hanging (and yelling constantly yelling) from the Eifle Tower it all looks so good and that was the most enjoyable thing. DD had nothing like that, it looked like it was made for a hundred bucks even though probably it cost millions, so therefore Rush Hour 3 was better.
Mediocrity Scale
Not Even Mediocre.
Food
We shirked the store bought processed food for delicious home made chocolate cake. Nuff said.
The original Rush Hour concept was simple; mix 1 part Chris Tucker comedy, with 1 part Jackie Chan high wire action and you've got a killer buddy-action-comedy flick. So what went wrong here?
Gripes:
1st the comedy; it's old, its tired, it ain't there. There are basically three gags in the whole movie and they are recycled ad nauseum. Gag #1 Chris Tucker Yells and Yells and Yells. I don't know what happened to Chris Tucker but the novelty of his yelling has worn off. I believe it wore off somewhere near the end of Rush Hour 1. Gag #2 Chris Tucker Sings Sooooouuuuuul Music and Dances All Kooky. The movie opens with this and it's not funny from the get go. He just looked bored here, like he wanted to leave and had something better to do. He probably did - heck going to take a dump would have been better than this. The guy needs new shtick bad. Note; apparently he got paid 20million for this movie so really he gets the last laugh on us. Gag #3 Jackie Chan talks in Ebonics. Not since Cousin Balky has mangling the english language been used to such ineffective comic effect. Basically this just isn't a funny movie, it's not even funny for not being funny. If you want comedy look elsewhere.
2nd the action: Jackie Chan ain't as spry as he used to be. He's getting old and he can't do all the stunts that he could before. Really he's geriatric at this point and I think the biggest stunt he managed here was jumping and hiding in a big flag. Other wise he just kicks people and jumps over small coffee tables. Not very good. Worse; I guess Tucker got tired of playing the incompetent that messes everything up and he wanted to do some kung fu too. There's even some ridiculous expository dialogue (that Tucker yells at top volume) that explains this. It's stupid and it fucks up the formula; Tucker mucks up in a humourous way, Chan saves him in creative action packed way. Instead they just clumsily hit stuff and chan jumps over a very small table. Whopee. I guess that's the biggest problem here, this movie feels old and tired like it's really been done before, but at the same time it tinkers enough with the tried and true formula to not even give you the pay off seeing something you're used to working. In the end we just tuned out of the movie and let it play out to it's predictable boring conclusion.
What Worked
Say what you will about Brett Ratner he can direct some good action sequences, or maybe that was his second unit. But there are good moments in a car chase scene. That's about it.
So Is it Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. It's not even worse than Stuck on You. Don't get me wrong this is horrible, the worst most uninteresting thing we've seen in weeks. A movie that seeks out your hate gland and tickles it in full force but it has one thing going for it: Money. This movie had a big budget and you can see the dollars on the screen. From the car chases to the predictable scenes of our heroes hanging (and yelling constantly yelling) from the Eifle Tower it all looks so good and that was the most enjoyable thing. DD had nothing like that, it looked like it was made for a hundred bucks even though probably it cost millions, so therefore Rush Hour 3 was better.
Mediocrity Scale
Not Even Mediocre.
Food
We shirked the store bought processed food for delicious home made chocolate cake. Nuff said.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Street Kings? Kings of the Street?
Shit I just watched it last night and I've already forgotten the title. Anyways Forrest Whittaker and Keanu Reeves are crooked cops in L.A. But then Keanu is crooked to do good and it turns out that Whittaker is just crooked and so is all of Keanu's unit. Also Johnny Flame or whatever is there too and he gets killed. And that doctor guy Bones? Mothers? whatever he walks with a limp and is really raspy he's there too and he appears every once in a while to be all raspy and shit. I'm telling you all of this but you already know this from the first frame of film because it's all really predictable and by the numbers and the big twist isn't really any kind of twist plus there's another twist that is so ridiculous that it's best left ignored. Still I liked it. There's people shooting at each other and murder and it's all rated R and it's kind of fun. I also liked Keanu as this older experienced kind of killer cop guy. I beleived it especially next to the Flalme On guy, I really saw the experienced successful sci-fi franchise veteran next to the new up and commer.
Gripes: Two Words: Forrest Whittaker. I just don't see what people like about this guy, I can't stand him. I don't know why but he just rubs me in a bad way. He always looks like he's about to cry or something. I just want to pinch his cheeks and tickle his belly and say "it's alright don't cry".
What Worked: A guy gets shot throught the back of the head and the front of his face gets blown off, another guy gets machined gunned repeatedly by two guys until he's just kind of jello. I love that kind of stuff, it takes me back to my fondest childhood memories of sneaking into Rated R movies at the local ciniplex.
Worse Thank Dungeons and Dragons? No. It did not incite any hate or desire to track down the movie makers, chain them to a wall, whip their backs, then pour lemon juice on the wounds like DD did.
Mediocrity Scale: A bit above Mediocre Violence.
Food: We started with a litre each of Sinful Cookie or something Ice Cream. Sweet, pretty creamy cheap Safeway Ice Cream that gave me bad farts and weird poo due to my mild lactose intolerance. Next we followed it up with some Pringles Restaurant Special Chips in Hamburger flavour. Yes that's right Hamburger. There were pictures of Hamburgers on the box to signify that it was indeed Hamburger flavour. Unfortunately it just tasted like a combo of ketchup, cheese, and smoke flavour and was quite disappointing. We didn't even finish it. To drink the always venerable Coke Zero.
Gripes: Two Words: Forrest Whittaker. I just don't see what people like about this guy, I can't stand him. I don't know why but he just rubs me in a bad way. He always looks like he's about to cry or something. I just want to pinch his cheeks and tickle his belly and say "it's alright don't cry".
What Worked: A guy gets shot throught the back of the head and the front of his face gets blown off, another guy gets machined gunned repeatedly by two guys until he's just kind of jello. I love that kind of stuff, it takes me back to my fondest childhood memories of sneaking into Rated R movies at the local ciniplex.
Worse Thank Dungeons and Dragons? No. It did not incite any hate or desire to track down the movie makers, chain them to a wall, whip their backs, then pour lemon juice on the wounds like DD did.
Mediocrity Scale: A bit above Mediocre Violence.
Food: We started with a litre each of Sinful Cookie or something Ice Cream. Sweet, pretty creamy cheap Safeway Ice Cream that gave me bad farts and weird poo due to my mild lactose intolerance. Next we followed it up with some Pringles Restaurant Special Chips in Hamburger flavour. Yes that's right Hamburger. There were pictures of Hamburgers on the box to signify that it was indeed Hamburger flavour. Unfortunately it just tasted like a combo of ketchup, cheese, and smoke flavour and was quite disappointing. We didn't even finish it. To drink the always venerable Coke Zero.
Monday, August 25, 2008
10,000 BC
We avoided renting this one for a long time. There it sat on the shelf at the video store, mocking us - daring us to rent it. Week after week we ignored it, pointing at it jokingly, asking ourselves when we would be desperate enough to rent this movie called "10,000 BC".
Well, we finally succumbed, as I knew we eventually would. If you haven't seen the movie and are wondering what it was like, the best description I could give you would be to imagine crossing Clan of the Cave Bear with Ice Age, with maybe a little Conan the Barbarian and 300 thrown in.
The story starts with the tale of a young hunter who has a crush on the most beautiful girl in his tribe - a girl with some sort of prophecy associated with her. The young man is not altogether that popular with his fellow tribe-mates after his father, the lead hunter of the tribe, abandons them when his son is a small boy. Since this boy is the lead, you know he's going to prove himself on his first hunt, proving his worth against a mammoth that looked about as realistic as an animal from the aforementioned Ice Age.
Having proven himself to the "haters" within the first 20 minutes of the film, the film gets going when the beautiful girl is kidnapped by a proto-islamic Thulsa Doom thug leading our hero and a few of his tribemates on a cross counry search worthy of Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas. Gathering the support of the united nations along the way, our hero finally finds himself in Egypt where he leads a slave rebellion against the King and some more bad CGI animals.
It's been awhile since we've seen a movie this bad. How hard would it have been to make the film a little bit more Dragonslayer or Beastmaster and a little bit less Apocalypto? This film didn't even throw us a bone like Apocalypto did with the Jaguar scene.
Pain score: 7.5 out of 10.
Fittingly, the snacks were bad as well. We had some kind of baked cracker snacks called Crispers. It was a real disgrace to eat something so healthy and we couldn't even finish a single bag of the cardboard "chips".
Well, we finally succumbed, as I knew we eventually would. If you haven't seen the movie and are wondering what it was like, the best description I could give you would be to imagine crossing Clan of the Cave Bear with Ice Age, with maybe a little Conan the Barbarian and 300 thrown in.
The story starts with the tale of a young hunter who has a crush on the most beautiful girl in his tribe - a girl with some sort of prophecy associated with her. The young man is not altogether that popular with his fellow tribe-mates after his father, the lead hunter of the tribe, abandons them when his son is a small boy. Since this boy is the lead, you know he's going to prove himself on his first hunt, proving his worth against a mammoth that looked about as realistic as an animal from the aforementioned Ice Age.
Having proven himself to the "haters" within the first 20 minutes of the film, the film gets going when the beautiful girl is kidnapped by a proto-islamic Thulsa Doom thug leading our hero and a few of his tribemates on a cross counry search worthy of Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas. Gathering the support of the united nations along the way, our hero finally finds himself in Egypt where he leads a slave rebellion against the King and some more bad CGI animals.
It's been awhile since we've seen a movie this bad. How hard would it have been to make the film a little bit more Dragonslayer or Beastmaster and a little bit less Apocalypto? This film didn't even throw us a bone like Apocalypto did with the Jaguar scene.
Pain score: 7.5 out of 10.
Fittingly, the snacks were bad as well. We had some kind of baked cracker snacks called Crispers. It was a real disgrace to eat something so healthy and we couldn't even finish a single bag of the cardboard "chips".
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