Decent, slow really really slow international thriller. Smart looking but dumb.
Gripes
This movie follows in the footsteps of international thrillers like Syrianna or Michael Clayton, but the biggest difference between those movies and this is that those movies were well written and always a step ahead of their audience, forcing the audience to pay attention and think. The International however is not clever enough to stay ahead of the audience. Early on there are long scenes with lots of expository dialogue that basically explain the whole thing and just in case you weren't paying attention the info is repeated through out. Basically this big bank is bad, so bad that they control everything ooooh. Okay we get it. There's also some convoluted plot about selling guidance systems for missiles to terrorists but it's really inconsequential. You don't have to pay attention to the International, infact I challenge any one just to watch the first 10 seconds of each DVD chapter, you will I'm sure have the exact same summary of the film as someone who watched the whole thing, but you will have saved lots of time.
What Worked
Clive Owen is always cool and that blonde actress was good. It all happens in Bahauss Europe and is spectacularly shot so as a travel video of cool buildings in Europe it works really well. VW AG also provided the cars so there's lots of cool shots of Audi's and VW driving around Europe so if you like that you'll be impressed. Finally Evil German Industrialist villains are always kind of cool. At one point the movie gets a pulse and there's a ridiculous oozie shootout at the Gugenheim (I told you it's all Bahaus), it's clearly how the movie got it's R rating but it's still somehow lacks real tension just like the rest of the film. It's shoehorned in and story wise the characters are in the exact same place before and after the shootout so it could have been like five seconds or not in the film at all. Clive Owen gets shot in the face though and that's cool, but later he doesn't seem to notice it.
Mediocrity Scale
Meciocre
Better than Dungeons and Dragons?
Yes. The R rating alone raises it above D&D, it's also shot with competency.
Food
We had real Root Beer floats with real vanilla ice cream. Also Cakesters and double chocololate chip cookies to complete the Insulin shock.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Commando + Ransom = Taken
I wasn't that impressed by the trailers for Taken. The idea of Qui-Gon Jinn going on a rampage Charles Bronson style on the men who kidnapped his daughter seemed pretty weak. I wondered how well Qui-Gon would be able to convey the proper emotional response when speaking with the kidnappers. However, given the choice between renting Taken and the latest Underworld abomination, I was happy to give way to my curiosity and find out if Qui-Gon was up to the challenge.
Like John Matrix before him, Qui-Gon is a retired special agent/army type who just wants to live a quiet life and be a good dad. How will Qui-Gon react when his daughter wants to go to Paris with her best friend for the summer? Not too well. Despite his reservations, his ex-wife (another thankless role for Famke Janssen) guilts him into agreeing to the scheme and away they go.
It doesn't take long for the girls to get into trouble. Like all good best friend characters in these kinds of movies, best friend has "loose morals" and announces that she's going to have sex with that guy from the airport who offered to share a cab. With the countdown to best friend's demise under way, a group of kidnappers arrive to abduct the girls. Now daddy's got just 96 hours to track down the bastards who kidnapped his daughter and get some revenge.
With the setup out of the way we get to the action. The good: innocent people get used as human shields, large body count, well choreographed (for the most part) fight scenes (think Jason Bourne style). The bad: the car chases are terrible. During one chase scene at some sort of factory/mining operation it is at times difficult to tell who exactly is chasing who.
The movie ends predictably enough, and I can't say I really have any complaints except that 1) the stupid ex-wife doesn't get any sort of comeuppance and 2) there is a lame subplot involving a Britney Spears type character whose life Qui-Gon saves near the beginning of the movie while on assignment. Said subplot is revisited at the tail end of the movie for no good reason. Maybe that was just in the extended cut?
Pain score: 1 of 10.
Special note on the snacks this week. I was recently in the states for a shopping trip and brought back a four pack of bottled A&W Rootbeer Floats. This is the kind of product I love. It's only available in the United States because a product like this could only exist in a place like the United States.
Think about this. This is a drink that contains (amongst a number of chemical ingredients) milk. That's right, milk. But unlike a carton of milk, you won't find this float in the dairy aisle. It's on the shelf, unrefrigerated. Disturbing.
If there is any doubt in your mind, the drink is foul. Possibly the worst snacktime beverage we have ever had.
Like John Matrix before him, Qui-Gon is a retired special agent/army type who just wants to live a quiet life and be a good dad. How will Qui-Gon react when his daughter wants to go to Paris with her best friend for the summer? Not too well. Despite his reservations, his ex-wife (another thankless role for Famke Janssen) guilts him into agreeing to the scheme and away they go.
It doesn't take long for the girls to get into trouble. Like all good best friend characters in these kinds of movies, best friend has "loose morals" and announces that she's going to have sex with that guy from the airport who offered to share a cab. With the countdown to best friend's demise under way, a group of kidnappers arrive to abduct the girls. Now daddy's got just 96 hours to track down the bastards who kidnapped his daughter and get some revenge.
With the setup out of the way we get to the action. The good: innocent people get used as human shields, large body count, well choreographed (for the most part) fight scenes (think Jason Bourne style). The bad: the car chases are terrible. During one chase scene at some sort of factory/mining operation it is at times difficult to tell who exactly is chasing who.
The movie ends predictably enough, and I can't say I really have any complaints except that 1) the stupid ex-wife doesn't get any sort of comeuppance and 2) there is a lame subplot involving a Britney Spears type character whose life Qui-Gon saves near the beginning of the movie while on assignment. Said subplot is revisited at the tail end of the movie for no good reason. Maybe that was just in the extended cut?
Pain score: 1 of 10.
Special note on the snacks this week. I was recently in the states for a shopping trip and brought back a four pack of bottled A&W Rootbeer Floats. This is the kind of product I love. It's only available in the United States because a product like this could only exist in a place like the United States.
Think about this. This is a drink that contains (amongst a number of chemical ingredients) milk. That's right, milk. But unlike a carton of milk, you won't find this float in the dairy aisle. It's on the shelf, unrefrigerated. Disturbing.
If there is any doubt in your mind, the drink is foul. Possibly the worst snacktime beverage we have ever had.
Taken
What happens when the foreigners of the world kidnap America's teenage daughters to use as sex slaves? America sends Liam Neeson to kick their fucking ass.
Gripes:
My biggest gripe has to be with the green screen shots of people driving. They look like something out of Sinefeild. 1990 called, they want their greenscreen back. Also the girl playing the daughter was like 40 and kind of annoying so it was hard to beleive she was so naive and it was kind of okay that she got kidnapped and turned into a sex slave. Poor casting.
Overall I don't have a lot gripes with this films. It does what it advertises; Liam Neeson's daughter gets kidnapped and so he goes and kicks the kidnappers ass. These are the worst anti-American kidnapers, they're based in France, they're Albanian, in cahoots with corrupt French spies, that sell virgin American daughters to Middle-Eastern sheiks via corrupt business men. American headline fears rolled up into one neat package, I'm surprised they weren't doing it to encourage Global Warming. Retired CIA special Operative Liam Neeson goes after them, tortures them, kills them, and finally delivers his daughter into the hands of an American teen pop star analogue to get career training. Ironically his daughter's kidnapping experiences have given her some of the training to be an American Teen pop star already, half naked dancing and all. So in a way Neason saves his daughter from being pimped out to Saudi Sheiks to be pimped out to the American public. USA USA USA.
What worked:
It feels good. Seeing foreign terrorists and their like get horribly killed by mild-mannered Neeson is strangely satisfying. Every man in that theatre could sympathise with Neason, if it was my daughter I would do the same. Of course I'm not a CIA operative so probably I would just roll up on the floor and cry and call the police or something.
Neason is a good action star. He creates a real three dimensional person here not just some mindless killing machine and it helped to get me involved in the story because the script certainly didn't.
Mediocrity Scale:
Just Above Mediocre
Better than D&D:
Yes, cohesive story and cathartic violence.
Food:
Awful Awful things. 5 Pogos which are disgusting in themselves but washed down with a horrible abomination that Jason brought from the USA; A&W rootbeer float in a bottle. All the goodness of a Root beer float, in a bottle. It was super sweet. Like cheap ice cream that melted in root beer syrup, then was left out in the sun until rotted. It made me want to barf. If someone asked "what is robot jizz like?" I would point them in the direction of A&W rootbeer float in a bottle.
Gripes:
My biggest gripe has to be with the green screen shots of people driving. They look like something out of Sinefeild. 1990 called, they want their greenscreen back. Also the girl playing the daughter was like 40 and kind of annoying so it was hard to beleive she was so naive and it was kind of okay that she got kidnapped and turned into a sex slave. Poor casting.
Overall I don't have a lot gripes with this films. It does what it advertises; Liam Neeson's daughter gets kidnapped and so he goes and kicks the kidnappers ass. These are the worst anti-American kidnapers, they're based in France, they're Albanian, in cahoots with corrupt French spies, that sell virgin American daughters to Middle-Eastern sheiks via corrupt business men. American headline fears rolled up into one neat package, I'm surprised they weren't doing it to encourage Global Warming. Retired CIA special Operative Liam Neeson goes after them, tortures them, kills them, and finally delivers his daughter into the hands of an American teen pop star analogue to get career training. Ironically his daughter's kidnapping experiences have given her some of the training to be an American Teen pop star already, half naked dancing and all. So in a way Neason saves his daughter from being pimped out to Saudi Sheiks to be pimped out to the American public. USA USA USA.
What worked:
It feels good. Seeing foreign terrorists and their like get horribly killed by mild-mannered Neeson is strangely satisfying. Every man in that theatre could sympathise with Neason, if it was my daughter I would do the same. Of course I'm not a CIA operative so probably I would just roll up on the floor and cry and call the police or something.
Neason is a good action star. He creates a real three dimensional person here not just some mindless killing machine and it helped to get me involved in the story because the script certainly didn't.
Mediocrity Scale:
Just Above Mediocre
Better than D&D:
Yes, cohesive story and cathartic violence.
Food:
Awful Awful things. 5 Pogos which are disgusting in themselves but washed down with a horrible abomination that Jason brought from the USA; A&W rootbeer float in a bottle. All the goodness of a Root beer float, in a bottle. It was super sweet. Like cheap ice cream that melted in root beer syrup, then was left out in the sun until rotted. It made me want to barf. If someone asked "what is robot jizz like?" I would point them in the direction of A&W rootbeer float in a bottle.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Spiri...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I fell asleep through this one so I can't really give a review because I didn't really see it.
Gripes:
All I can remember is it looks like Sin City, it's dumb, horrible horrible scenery chewing Samuel L. Jackson, everything is in slo mo - and sleepy time. This is one of those movies where every single thing they say and every image are really really really important and just so you don't forget they're gonna make it in slow motion. It's terrible and boring.
Get this mutherfuckin Samuel L. Jackson out of mutherfuckin movies.
What Worked:
The only thing that worked was the cut of Eva Medes' shirts.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
Maybe but I slept through it.
Mediocrity Scale:
Trying too hard to be mediocre but failing miserably so, less than mediocre
Gripes:
All I can remember is it looks like Sin City, it's dumb, horrible horrible scenery chewing Samuel L. Jackson, everything is in slo mo - and sleepy time. This is one of those movies where every single thing they say and every image are really really really important and just so you don't forget they're gonna make it in slow motion. It's terrible and boring.
Get this mutherfuckin Samuel L. Jackson out of mutherfuckin movies.
What Worked:
The only thing that worked was the cut of Eva Medes' shirts.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
Maybe but I slept through it.
Mediocrity Scale:
Trying too hard to be mediocre but failing miserably so, less than mediocre
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Prince Caspian
This movie was definitely better than the Wardrobe one but it still kinda sucked.
Gripes:
The biggest problem I had was the heavy duty emo acting by the teen leads. The guy who plays Peter should be shot in the face. Just quit whining you pussy. And the girl that plays his sister is always on the verge of crying; happy or sad she's always just about to cry and she looks like Octo-mom which = gross. I didn't care about them for one second and hoped they would die. Happily I'm told they don't return to the series and only the younger kids do, which is good because they weren't as annoying.
What Worked:
Okay I never actually thought this would happen but the CGI creatures in the film were pretty much photo real and perfect. The Badger especially looked totally real. I think this film sets a high mark for special effects CGI creatures and should have been nominated Oscar time. Aslan's mane looked totally real even though he's creepy and why didn't he help them when they were all getting killed. You suck Aslan. The effects here, which were a big problem in the last movie, were top notch.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. Watchable.
Mediocrity Scale:
The effects were good, but this movie is looooong and not all that engaging. Mediocre.
Food:
Coke Zero and mystery flavour Doritos. Jason's wife Dianna came up with the name Firey Four Cheese Fiesta which I think is brilliant and describes the chips exactly. I won't be suprised if that's what they end up being called. We had yellow Cakesters as well. Sugary and gross but good.
Gripes:
The biggest problem I had was the heavy duty emo acting by the teen leads. The guy who plays Peter should be shot in the face. Just quit whining you pussy. And the girl that plays his sister is always on the verge of crying; happy or sad she's always just about to cry and she looks like Octo-mom which = gross. I didn't care about them for one second and hoped they would die. Happily I'm told they don't return to the series and only the younger kids do, which is good because they weren't as annoying.
What Worked:
Okay I never actually thought this would happen but the CGI creatures in the film were pretty much photo real and perfect. The Badger especially looked totally real. I think this film sets a high mark for special effects CGI creatures and should have been nominated Oscar time. Aslan's mane looked totally real even though he's creepy and why didn't he help them when they were all getting killed. You suck Aslan. The effects here, which were a big problem in the last movie, were top notch.
Worse than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. Watchable.
Mediocrity Scale:
The effects were good, but this movie is looooong and not all that engaging. Mediocre.
Food:
Coke Zero and mystery flavour Doritos. Jason's wife Dianna came up with the name Firey Four Cheese Fiesta which I think is brilliant and describes the chips exactly. I won't be suprised if that's what they end up being called. We had yellow Cakesters as well. Sugary and gross but good.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
That's Incredible
I wish that after my long absence posting reviews that I could tell you they made a That's Incredible movie and that Cathy Lee Crosby was the best thing in it, but instead you'll have to settle for a few thoughts on the Incredible Hulk.
Like many of you unfortunate enough to have seen the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk picture, my hopes for thissequel re imagining were not very high. Sure, this time we get Ed Norton and Liv Tyler, but I don't hate Eric Bana and I'll take Jennifer Connelly over Tyler any day of the week.
The question then is, does this Hulk deliver? Kind of. A little bit. Maybe. As I write these reviews I am reminded more and more just how cynical I am with regard to the movies I see these days. Perhaps it is that I'm getting older, but I rarely seem to feel the excitement for films that I did working at Blockbuster in the late '90s when I was in film school. The Incredible Hulk is a prime example of the kind of movie that I feel absolutely ho-hum about now, but wonder if I would have enjoyed more ten years ago.
Or perhaps The Incredible Hulk (and it's ilk) just isn't really that great. Too many meetings with marketing, too many producers wanting to be creative (and by creative I mean pander to the lowest common audience denominator so as to ensure that no one is offended) and ultimately a lackluster effort.
The Hulk has never been my favorite Marvel character, though I do profess a soft-spot for the grey-skinned hulk of the late '80s comics. Somehow the phrase "Hulk Smash!" never really did anything for me and the Hulk on display here both typifies the aspects of the character I find most boring and actually says the phrase.
In terms of the story, the Hulk himself is almost a non-character here, with the real story being about Bruce Banner trying to cure himself of his inner, green demon. If you've seen the Ang Lee version, the story is pretty much the same. Banner is on the run and the military is after him. They find him, he gets angry, smashes a bunch of stuff, repeat. Oh, there's a showdown with another "Hulk creature" (no Hulk dogs though) too. No sign of the She-Hulk though. Too bad.
Apparently there are plans to make a Thor movie, a Captain America movie and then an Avengers movie, with those two, Iron Man, Spiderman and the Hulk rounding out the cast of heroes. Given the Hulk character we've seen in the movies so far, I'm not sure how that's going to work - the Hulk, like my one year olds, doesn't know how to use his words yet.
Ultimately this movie left no real impression on me either way beyond almost total indifference. As a whole I neither liked it nor hated it, but felt both ways as it moved along.
Pain score: 4 of 10.
We had Michelina Snack rolls (both chicken and apple flavors) and Cakesters as snacks. Truly a delight.
Like many of you unfortunate enough to have seen the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk picture, my hopes for this
The question then is, does this Hulk deliver? Kind of. A little bit. Maybe. As I write these reviews I am reminded more and more just how cynical I am with regard to the movies I see these days. Perhaps it is that I'm getting older, but I rarely seem to feel the excitement for films that I did working at Blockbuster in the late '90s when I was in film school. The Incredible Hulk is a prime example of the kind of movie that I feel absolutely ho-hum about now, but wonder if I would have enjoyed more ten years ago.
Or perhaps The Incredible Hulk (and it's ilk) just isn't really that great. Too many meetings with marketing, too many producers wanting to be creative (and by creative I mean pander to the lowest common audience denominator so as to ensure that no one is offended) and ultimately a lackluster effort.
The Hulk has never been my favorite Marvel character, though I do profess a soft-spot for the grey-skinned hulk of the late '80s comics. Somehow the phrase "Hulk Smash!" never really did anything for me and the Hulk on display here both typifies the aspects of the character I find most boring and actually says the phrase.
In terms of the story, the Hulk himself is almost a non-character here, with the real story being about Bruce Banner trying to cure himself of his inner, green demon. If you've seen the Ang Lee version, the story is pretty much the same. Banner is on the run and the military is after him. They find him, he gets angry, smashes a bunch of stuff, repeat. Oh, there's a showdown with another "Hulk creature" (no Hulk dogs though) too. No sign of the She-Hulk though. Too bad.
Apparently there are plans to make a Thor movie, a Captain America movie and then an Avengers movie, with those two, Iron Man, Spiderman and the Hulk rounding out the cast of heroes. Given the Hulk character we've seen in the movies so far, I'm not sure how that's going to work - the Hulk, like my one year olds, doesn't know how to use his words yet.
Ultimately this movie left no real impression on me either way beyond almost total indifference. As a whole I neither liked it nor hated it, but felt both ways as it moved along.
Pain score: 4 of 10.
We had Michelina Snack rolls (both chicken and apple flavors) and Cakesters as snacks. Truly a delight.
The Incredible Hulk
I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't necessarily miss the man but I miss the attitude. In his world there were good guys and there were bad guys and you killed the bad guys mercilessly and you protected the good guys and you didn't ask questions. The new crop of super heroes these days are all so emo. They side with the bad guys and feel bad about hurting them so it was no surprise when during the climactic battle between the Hulk and some other mutant Hulk, the green Hulk makes a sour emo-singer face and decides to spare the mutant Hulks life, even though the mutant hulk has killed a ton of people and has been trying to kill the Hulk for the whole movie. Look I'm not arguing that in real life we must have understanding and compassion for even the worst monsters of society, but that's real life, in the movies I want catharsis and for me that's seeing bad guys get shot in the face. The people agree; Iron Man was a huge hit, is it necessarily a better movie than The Incredible Hulk. They both pretty much follow the same superhero movie formula, they have big action set pieces, lots of CGI explosions, and skinny starlets but one tanked and one succeeded. The difference is attitude. The Hulk hates being the Hulk and spends the whole movie, the whole movie right up to the end brooding and whining about it. Iron Man is Iron man and he loves it so we love it too. And so what he blows up some terrorists that probably were lead into terrorism because the oppressive policies of the western world reduced their countries into impoverished third world states leaving them no choice but to be a terrorist blah blah save it for the UN. I don't want to think about that I want to see the hero smile while he blows their heads off and not cry and whine about it. I want Tyler Durden, instead I got the other guy.
Gripes
Is green hard to render in a computer? Because since the first Hulk movie flopped so long ago the hulk CGI still looks fake. The stuff getting smashed looked good but hulk and abominable hulk looked fake.
Stan Lee, Lou Ferrina, some other guy all made Hulk cameos. Annoying and pulled me out of the movie but I guess if you're a big fan of the comics you'd get a kick out of it.
At the end of the film Robert Downey Jr. makes an appearance as Tony Stark to set up some kind of sequel. It just encourages the comparison between the failure and non failure and is all gross in that "marketing up your ass" sort of way.
Liv Tyler is completely useless in this movie, her role could have been played by a blow up doll because all she does during the film is make the O face. It's not her fault it's the writing.
What's the conflict here? Jack doesn't want to be the Hulk, he's looking for the cure, crazed general and crazy soldier guy are looking for him, they fight a couple of times, Jack gets the cure, crazy soldier turns into crazy hulk, cure is ignored and jack hulks out, he beats up crazy hulk but doesn't kill him, end, nothing is really resolved and I feel cheated because the whole movie is set up for some distant sequel.
What Worked
Edward Norton while maybe not the most obvious choice for an action star is a great actor and compelling to watch. Sadly he's not given much to do here. He broods and broods some more. The scenes of him in Brazil hiding out and interacting with the locals were somehow the most compelling and interesting and made me care about the character. But then everything turned to turd.
Worse Than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. At no point does anyone yell unenthusiastically "now is your time to die"
Mediocrity Scale
Mediocre
Food
We had some kind of excellent snack size pastry filled with apple or buffalo chicken. It was reduced for quick sale at the store but was quite excellent. Oreo Cakesters to fill out the sugar quotient and Coke Zero to wash it all down.
Gripes
Is green hard to render in a computer? Because since the first Hulk movie flopped so long ago the hulk CGI still looks fake. The stuff getting smashed looked good but hulk and abominable hulk looked fake.
Stan Lee, Lou Ferrina, some other guy all made Hulk cameos. Annoying and pulled me out of the movie but I guess if you're a big fan of the comics you'd get a kick out of it.
At the end of the film Robert Downey Jr. makes an appearance as Tony Stark to set up some kind of sequel. It just encourages the comparison between the failure and non failure and is all gross in that "marketing up your ass" sort of way.
Liv Tyler is completely useless in this movie, her role could have been played by a blow up doll because all she does during the film is make the O face. It's not her fault it's the writing.
What's the conflict here? Jack doesn't want to be the Hulk, he's looking for the cure, crazed general and crazy soldier guy are looking for him, they fight a couple of times, Jack gets the cure, crazy soldier turns into crazy hulk, cure is ignored and jack hulks out, he beats up crazy hulk but doesn't kill him, end, nothing is really resolved and I feel cheated because the whole movie is set up for some distant sequel.
What Worked
Edward Norton while maybe not the most obvious choice for an action star is a great actor and compelling to watch. Sadly he's not given much to do here. He broods and broods some more. The scenes of him in Brazil hiding out and interacting with the locals were somehow the most compelling and interesting and made me care about the character. But then everything turned to turd.
Worse Than Dungeons and Dragons?
No. At no point does anyone yell unenthusiastically "now is your time to die"
Mediocrity Scale
Mediocre
Food
We had some kind of excellent snack size pastry filled with apple or buffalo chicken. It was reduced for quick sale at the store but was quite excellent. Oreo Cakesters to fill out the sugar quotient and Coke Zero to wash it all down.
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