That's Incredible

I wish that after my long absence posting reviews that I could tell you they made a That's Incredible movie and that Cathy Lee Crosby was the best thing in it, but instead you'll have to settle for a few thoughts on the Incredible Hulk.

Like many of you unfortunate enough to have seen the 2003 Ang Lee Hulk picture, my hopes for this sequel re imagining were not very high. Sure, this time we get Ed Norton and Liv Tyler, but I don't hate Eric Bana and I'll take Jennifer Connelly over Tyler any day of the week.

The question then is, does this Hulk deliver? Kind of. A little bit. Maybe. As I write these reviews I am reminded more and more just how cynical I am with regard to the movies I see these days. Perhaps it is that I'm getting older, but I rarely seem to feel the excitement for films that I did working at Blockbuster in the late '90s when I was in film school. The Incredible Hulk is a prime example of the kind of movie that I feel absolutely ho-hum about now, but wonder if I would have enjoyed more ten years ago.

Or perhaps The Incredible Hulk (and it's ilk) just isn't really that great. Too many meetings with marketing, too many producers wanting to be creative (and by creative I mean pander to the lowest common audience denominator so as to ensure that no one is offended) and ultimately a lackluster effort.

The Hulk has never been my favorite Marvel character, though I do profess a soft-spot for the grey-skinned hulk of the late '80s comics. Somehow the phrase "Hulk Smash!" never really did anything for me and the Hulk on display here both typifies the aspects of the character I find most boring and actually says the phrase.

In terms of the story, the Hulk himself is almost a non-character here, with the real story being about Bruce Banner trying to cure himself of his inner, green demon. If you've seen the Ang Lee version, the story is pretty much the same. Banner is on the run and the military is after him. They find him, he gets angry, smashes a bunch of stuff, repeat. Oh, there's a showdown with another "Hulk creature" (no Hulk dogs though) too. No sign of the She-Hulk though. Too bad.

Apparently there are plans to make a Thor movie, a Captain America movie and then an Avengers movie, with those two, Iron Man, Spiderman and the Hulk rounding out the cast of heroes. Given the Hulk character we've seen in the movies so far, I'm not sure how that's going to work - the Hulk, like my one year olds, doesn't know how to use his words yet.

Ultimately this movie left no real impression on me either way beyond almost total indifference. As a whole I neither liked it nor hated it, but felt both ways as it moved along.

Pain score: 4 of 10.

We had Michelina Snack rolls (both chicken and apple flavors) and Cakesters as snacks. Truly a delight.

The Incredible Hulk

I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't necessarily miss the man but I miss the attitude. In his world there were good guys and there were bad guys and you killed the bad guys mercilessly and you protected the good guys and you didn't ask questions. The new crop of super heroes these days are all so emo. They side with the bad guys and feel bad about hurting them so it was no surprise when during the climactic battle between the Hulk and some other mutant Hulk, the green Hulk makes a sour emo-singer face and decides to spare the mutant Hulks life, even though the mutant hulk has killed a ton of people and has been trying to kill the Hulk for the whole movie. Look I'm not arguing that in real life we must have understanding and compassion for even the worst monsters of society, but that's real life, in the movies I want catharsis and for me that's seeing bad guys get shot in the face. The people agree; Iron Man was a huge hit, is it necessarily a better movie than The Incredible Hulk. They both pretty much follow the same superhero movie formula, they have big action set pieces, lots of CGI explosions, and skinny starlets but one tanked and one succeeded. The difference is attitude. The Hulk hates being the Hulk and spends the whole movie, the whole movie right up to the end brooding and whining about it. Iron Man is Iron man and he loves it so we love it too. And so what he blows up some terrorists that probably were lead into terrorism because the oppressive policies of the western world reduced their countries into impoverished third world states leaving them no choice but to be a terrorist blah blah save it for the UN. I don't want to think about that I want to see the hero smile while he blows their heads off and not cry and whine about it. I want Tyler Durden, instead I got the other guy.

Gripes

Is green hard to render in a computer? Because since the first Hulk movie flopped so long ago the hulk CGI still looks fake. The stuff getting smashed looked good but hulk and abominable hulk looked fake.
Stan Lee, Lou Ferrina, some other guy all made Hulk cameos. Annoying and pulled me out of the movie but I guess if you're a big fan of the comics you'd get a kick out of it.
At the end of the film Robert Downey Jr. makes an appearance as Tony Stark to set up some kind of sequel. It just encourages the comparison between the failure and non failure and is all gross in that "marketing up your ass" sort of way.
Liv Tyler is completely useless in this movie, her role could have been played by a blow up doll because all she does during the film is make the O face. It's not her fault it's the writing.
What's the conflict here? Jack doesn't want to be the Hulk, he's looking for the cure, crazed general and crazy soldier guy are looking for him, they fight a couple of times, Jack gets the cure, crazy soldier turns into crazy hulk, cure is ignored and jack hulks out, he beats up crazy hulk but doesn't kill him, end, nothing is really resolved and I feel cheated because the whole movie is set up for some distant sequel.

What Worked

Edward Norton while maybe not the most obvious choice for an action star is a great actor and compelling to watch. Sadly he's not given much to do here. He broods and broods some more. The scenes of him in Brazil hiding out and interacting with the locals were somehow the most compelling and interesting and made me care about the character. But then everything turned to turd.

Worse Than Dungeons and Dragons?

No. At no point does anyone yell unenthusiastically "now is your time to die"

Mediocrity Scale

Mediocre

Food

We had some kind of excellent snack size pastry filled with apple or buffalo chicken. It was reduced for quick sale at the store but was quite excellent. Oreo Cakesters to fill out the sugar quotient and Coke Zero to wash it all down.