It started with VHS. The quality was shite, the films were Pan & Scanned and the TV's were small and the screens curved out. Then VHS tapes got wide screened. At some point I had a ridiculously expensive Laser Disc player that would flip the discs on it's own making crazy mechanical sounds as it did it. It broke before I watched maybe 20 films on it but since there weren't that many Laser Discs around it didn't matter. (Of Note: for years I refused to throw that hunk of metal out because I was always going to "fix it" like some kind of crazy hoarder. It only went into the trash in 2006) Then of course came DVD's which became the regular ritual as it is known today. We moved up to larger TV's 27", 32" tube TVs with flat screens and fancy things like Tipple Comb Noise Filter and Surround Sound. Finally came Blue Ray, 1080p, and massive TVs; Jason has a large LCD flat screen and I project my movies on to a Screen that is 10 feet wide. But due to downloading legal and illegal is Blue Ray like laser disc not long for this world? Maybe.
Jason got Apple TV for Christmas this year so last night we were going to sample the latest most convenient technology that is supposed to replace all these wacky wasteful discs. All you have to do is scroll to your favorite new movie select it and off you go. No driving to the video store in the cold, no aimless wandering in the aisles, no snotty Video Store staff reminding us of our younger selves making us long for an innocence and youth long lost and forgotten. Just easy scrolling and selecting. We even decided to make the food run for this viewing extra special and drove all the way across the Canada USA border to sample that latter nations greater selection of snack food wares. With the extra time we were going to save just simply choosing a film from a menu we could afford to drive farther for something more exotic, and what's more exotic than the Cost Cutter in Blaine, Washington. It was. An Unmitigated. Disaster.
After what turned out to be a quite lengthy trip to the USA, what with the border line ups, sheer real-estate size of the Cost Cutter, a slight detour due to an out of date GPS map, and general lethargy by us we returned tired and eager for some crappy movie fun. On goes the Apple TV. The selection sucked. It was like looking at a New Release wall from 2010, we had seen most of these movies. It seemed like Jason couldn't figure out the menus or they were hard to use but the same movies kept scrolling through again and again. (When did Edward Norton and Robert Deniro do a film where Edward Norton has corn rows? It looks retarded.) Finally after we scrolled confusingly past Russel Crowe's face brandishing a bow for like the tenth time we just gave up and decided to watch Riddley Scott's Robin Hood, staring said Aussie musician. This took I would say no less time than going to the video store and aimlessly walking around the aisles. At least then we would have been getting some exercise, here we were just sitting annoyed getting myopia looking at the endlessly scrolling cover boxes.
Then the real trouble started. I got up to pee and when I came back Jason was mumbling something about how he had selected the wrong version of the film and now we were going to have to watch the PG14 version not the Unrated Version because once you select something you can't go back. Then the thing reset itself. No explanation no download it just went back to the main screen. Jason had to go back through the menus but this time selected the Unrated. And of course now the thing told him he was going to have to pay for both. He started to get upset and in his fluster he chose the 14A version again and refused any mention of the Unrated because if he clicked on it "they" would know he had watched some of it and make him pay and he had to call "them" in the morning to cancel. I don't know who "they" are but I just want them to let me watch the right goddamn movie.
Finally it looked like we were going to watch the film. Not the version of the film we wanted to watch but at least a film. A scroll bar appeared on the bottom and that wheel thing like in YouTube videos appeared at the centre of the screen to tell us something was happening. And we waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally a message appeared telling us we only had 5hours and 17minutes left of this download. At this point I started waving my arms and yelling like a Neanderthal but my yelps were cut short because the screen had changed and the movie in all its 14A glory had started. There were men dressed in scary costumes running through the woods setting fire to a village, then the lady from the opening of Lord of the Rings appeared looking super intense with a bow and arrow about to shoot it at the scary figures when....the image froze and the wheel in the middle of the screen reappeared.
Jason then proceeded to mumble something about ethenet cables and wireless and stomp around at the back of his TV pulling on rat nest of wires connectors looking like a giant moth larva trapped in some technological spider web. All that changed was that a new message appeared informing us that it would only take 3 hours for our download now. My Neanderthal yelps resumed and we were forced to give up. All this took a terribly long time and it was getting late and we're no longer those young innocent video store clerks that can afford to sleep in till the afternoon. We're adults that have to wake up early and take on the world.
Gripes
Apple TV sucks
What Worked
I got to see 3 minutes of Robin Hood and in that 3 minutes it looked like shite so I guess I was saved from watching it this time. Also not to let the whole night go to waste we watched Bourne Ultimatum on DVD and it worked and it Owned. And since we had both seen the movie a few times before we could talk through out it and share our feelings on prejudice: It's wrong.
Is It Better than Dungeons and Dragons
If Apple TV were a movie it would be Dungeons and Dragons starring a bored, tired, and defeated Jeremy Irons.
Mediocrity Scale
If Apple TV were a movie it would be Dungeons and Dragons starring a bored, tired, and defeated Jeremy Irons.
Mediocrity Scale
Bellow Mediocre. Apple TV just does not work. It didn't work at all. At all. It was a terrible mess. I hope it wasn't expensive although I'm sure it was. I'm sorry. I feel sorry for you. I wish I could help. I wish I could make it better. I can't. All I can do is write this long rambling scathing review that no one will read.
Food.
The snacks were actually quite good. Although Cost Cutter is huge the selection of snack foods was still underwhelming. It was basically the same stuff in Canada but more competitively priced and in larger and brighter packaging. The most exciting thing that isn't available up north was the Throwback Pepsi and Mountain Dew. These are limited editions of these pops that are made with real sugar not sucrose and the original 1900's formulations. The Mountain Dew was the best as it tasted quite refreshing and juicy, almost healthy vs it's modern day counter part. The Pepsi didn't taste much different I don't think. It was rather bland in my opinion. We also got Doritos, Toasted Corn flavour which apparently also is not sold in Canada and with good reason because it just tastes like regular corn Nachos; bland and boring. I want my Doritos to have some artificial flavor zest and burn my tongue by the sixth one. Next we had TGI Fridays brand Mozzarella Sticks and Jose Ole's Shredded Steak Taquitos. I think these items are available in Canada but their cost has always made them forbidden. Luckily Americans love greasy microwavable snack foods for cheap so we were able to get them. They were both delicious and tasty out of the oven; not too dry or greasy, though that might have something to do with Jason's super fantastic fancy oven. The sticks came with marinarra dipping sauce and it was delectable to dip into. Well done.
